Dear Mum, There isn't a day that goes by that your not missed. But mum I have to say things have changed for the better. I reach out, and not turned away. I am not sure if I been forgiven. But that will come in time. Yes I was angry that your not here. But mum, I understand that you did the best for all of us. Sadly my temper got in the way. I was hurting, but I think now I am at peace. Things had to change. I didn't realise that I was hurting still. You know me that I Dont let my feelings out till I burst. That's got to stop now. I got to be the old Jason and make everyone proud of me. I chose a different road and following it. Today I went to church again for Thanks and forgiveness. I have to say that this has taught me new things and things I still learning. At the end of the day I am hoping things will be more positive now. Britterness is never good all it does is cause pain.

Dear Mum There is not a day that passes that I miss you, Mum. My life has gone through some changes, and I have become less confident in myself. I am still alone and have no one to cuddle or settle down with. I lost everything the day that you left. I know in my heart that you wanted to die. I have to say mum you kept the family together. I no longer speak to any other family members now. I pushed everyone away. I know now that Dad was as an asshole and stopped you from doing many things because he was a jealous man. I also know that my heart is broken and will never mend. I am truly thinking that I did wrong in my life and lost everything. I miss you, Mum. I have not visited your grave for many months this was because I was angry that you left me on my own. I feel so stupid, that I did not allow myself to listen to your words when you said you were in pain and wanted to go. I saw ken the other week and he was still complaining that he hates T and Matthew, I do not believe him as when I was at the solicitors that day when Ken called me all sorts of nasty things. I walked away from that day and never looked back I am glad they are out of my life. Noah is doing great and is a credit to us all; I don’t see him much these days because of the pain it gives me when I see him. I feel guilty that I let him down and feel so strongly that I am not his real dad and I know one day I will have to tell him about it and then they won’t want me either. I feel so alone now I don’t have anyone in my life, yes of course there is someone I like but she is not interested in me. Maybe this is my punishment for not being there for you and making sure I stepped in and was more understanding. I think I will be on my own now for life. I now know what I must do, my life is not worth it anymore. I hope that when I do my plan I will find you again and be that little boy with all the confidence in the world. I wish my life would come to an end and I will be with you once again. Please forgive me for what I am planning. I am so sorry I was not the strong one. It is my time to go and please remember once I am gone don’t be sad. I don’t want to carry on being lonely anymore. Love Jason

I am not making anything, I think this will be a war started. It wont stop till one of us is dead.